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Helping myself is the best thing I can do to help them




Dearest Parent,

Please notice where your fear takes you. You have me dead already waiting for that call. You see images of me dead. But I'm not there. Even if my physical body has passed or if I'm homeless and can't be reached, break free of your fear and imaginations. Please remember my goodness and my life. I live elsewhere, and always in your heart. Look for me there. Look for me in the good, in the living. Look for me and honor me with your life. I can not do this for you.

Please tell me you love me, and what you're willing to tolerate, or not. I eventually hear you say no. And just repeat it or don't answer the phone. This is helping me. When you repeat what's not working for either of us, it just keeps not working. Just be clear with your love and your boundaries. I need this. It helps me with my own fear, and helps you take care of your own. I can not do this for you.

I actually want your love. I want you to love me as I am whether I live or die. Trying to fix me is beyond your control and obsessing on this will kill your chance at any peace. It's your fear that makes you do that. And you make me responsible for it. I'm under the influence of drugs. Drugs have their way. You must choose a different way when I can not. I love you and I can not express it right now. Just trust in that love, even though it's silent and difficult to see. Please remove this pressure from me that I have to get fixed and take care of your happiness. I really can not handle it. Please seek your own recovery. I can not do this for you.

Live your life so I don't have to feel the shame of taking it from you. I did not take your life from you. I don't have that power. So please don't give it to me, or to drugs for that matter. I don't want that for you either. God gave me a life and a death, same for you. If and when I can choose differently, I will. Will you? Show me the way. If I ever recover, I'll need you to be clear and strong. Healing is possible for me, and for you. You be the one. I can't do this for you either, and please please don't wait for me. God has plans for me, and God has plans for you. Staying in pain is not His plan for you. I know it's not God's plan to have me addicted but God is going to use my life in ways we both can not imagine. Find every way to live and inspire peace and joy in this life. I can not do this for you.

I know you love me very much. I love you back. Nothing can destroy that. I will be with you always. God created me as love, and you are too. It is indestructible. Remember this and you will remember me well. And this love can break through your fears. Know I love you even when it doesn't look or sound like that. Know this, but I can't do this for you.

Forever,

Your Child, and God's.


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